hey guys...
i'm so sorry, i haven't been around here lately or been 'moderating' in any way, and now i'm here because i have very sad news.

kyle "TRACKER" brown has passed away.

he died approximately sunday night, september 23rd of unknown causes, though it seems so far to be heart-related.

all last week i had a growing feeling of concern... we were in regular close contact, but i hadn't heard back from him and repeated calls started going straight to voicemail. by wednesday i was really worried and by thursday i called our mutual friend cory (also an ex-jw who knew tracker since they were kids) and asked him to check on him. somehow, and i can't explain it, i was unable to check myself... like there was an unseen force holding me back. thursday night i had nightmares of finding him. finally on friday cory was able to go over and sadly, my nightmares turned out to be true. cory found tracker in his livingroom, dead for some days.

i hope this isn't too much information.... i've been answering questions for days now and have gotten somewhat numb.

here's the thing: tracker was, in every respect possible, larger than life. he knew full well that living life the way he did would most likely cut it short. but he was ok with that. in fact, he was more than ok... we had so many incredible conversations over the years, but more recently he told me in all sincerity that he could go at any time and be content knowing he'd lived a hell of a life.

of course, i wasn't happy to hear that, for my own selfish needs, but i was happy to hear that from him. how many people do any of us know who have found their way to that kind of true peace and contentment? we've had more and bigger demons to fight than most, and he was no exception to that (he was being groomed for bethel as a child!!). but he worked his ass off to come to terms with it all. he had his moments of darkness. it's inevitable since, bottom line, we really just don't know what the truth is. but truly, he was happy, and he was loved, and he was loving.

tracker taught me what real unconditional love REALLY means. greatest gift i've ever gotten.

so, i send my thanks into the universe for having known him, my big brother, my friend.

Kyle "Tracker" Brown - 2/2/1971 ~ 9/23/2007 - may you continue to kick ass wherever you are. i love you.